*
[Cheering and applause]
Welcome, welcome, welcome! To "Last Week Tonight."
I'm John Oliver. Thanks for being with us.
Very excited. Let's get into it.
Quick roundup of the week. Let's start with Iraq,
where things went from worse to worser.
4 towns on the highway between the Syrian border and Baghdad
fell yesterday to ISIS.
That is the Sunni militant group, an offshoot of Al Qaeda,
that is wreaking havoc in the country.
OK, well, that settles it.
The Iraq-Syria border just earned the title of
"Scariest place in the entire world."
You had a good run, Kevin Spacey's sex dungeon.
The White House announced this week
that we will be sending some support.
Although they made one thing almost overly clear.
They are not being sent to participate in combat.
Their role is not combat mission.
This is not a combat mission.
It is not a combat mission.
This is not a combat mission.
The president was crystal clear--
this is not a combat mission.
Be careful. If you say,
"This is not a combat mission" 5 times into a mirror,
30,000 troops appear spontaneously in Baghdad.
Be careful.
So, who exactly are we sending on this non-combat mission?
More United States forces are heading to Iraq.
President Obama plans to send up to
300 military advisors to the country.
300 military advisors.
Please don't tell me that that is
the next installment in the "300" franchise.
Spartans, prepare for glory!
And remember--we are here purely
in a non-combat advisory capacity!
Tonight, we dine in--the hotel!
Meanwhile this week, in Thailand,
they're still reeling from last month's military coup,
which was followed by curfews and clampdowns
on freedom of speech.
However, the general who led the coup has promised to create,
and I quote, a "genuine democracy" in Thailand.
Which sounds nice.
But something about this photo
doesn't exactly scream "genuine democracy" to me.
I'm telling you, just add Kyle MacLachlan
and a tiny dancing man in a red suit,
you've got yourself an actual David Lynch movie.
Since then, the general has tried to put a friendlier face
on that dystopian nightmare by launching--and this is true--
a "happiness campaign."
And what makes people happier than free stuff?
Free broadcasts of all 64 World Cup games.
They're also giving away movie tickets,
throwing free concerts in Bangkok
with singing soldiers and scantily clad women,
and even brought horses with bales of hay downtown
for people to pet.
Well, if they think people are that easy to manipulate,
they are right.
"Look, I can't vote or express dissent, but look at him!
"He's so soft!
I'm going to name him Huckleberry!"
Huckleberry the horsey.
And if that doesn't work, the general still has
one amazing final trick up his sleeve.
MALE ANNOUNCER: The army chief general Prayuth Chan-Ocha
wants to return happiness to Thailand.
So much so that he wrote a ballad about it.
[Man singing in Thai]
Oh, general, you didn't need to
win them over with power ballads.
You had them at "Do not leave your homes
after 10:00 p.m. at night."
And finally tonight, let's talk about Antarctica.
I'm afraid it's been a week of bad news.
FEMALE ANNOUNCER: New research from Australian scientists says
tourists are threatening the Antarctic biodiversity
with pollution and physical disturbances.
SECOND FEMALE ANNOUNCER: More than 40,000 people actually
visit Antarctica every single year,
and scientists say even walking on moss beds
will leave footprints that could last for centuries.
Look, I know this isn't how I'm supposed to react to that,
but that really makes me want to walk on an Antarctic moss bed.
Which is why Antarctica is in serious trouble.
Environmental destruction is not enough
to stop the tide of tourists and morning shows
desperate for unusual travel segment filler.
You may not think of Antarctica as a vacation destination,
but apparently that's changing.
MALE ANNOUNCER: The number-one reason folks say
they come on tour groups?
[Penguins chattering]
To see those human-like flightless birds, the penguins.
And then they "Mmm'mmm'mm"
and then they cry when they're hungry "Aahh ahh ahh."
Some of the freshest water you'll probably ever taste
because it dates back 400,000 years.
What are you doing?
Tragically, the Antarctic ice shelf is rapidly diminishing.
Now, if you'll excuse me-- [Munching]
So pure. Mmm. So rare.
That is the problem.
I know we're not supposed to go to Antarctica,
but there are free penguins and sno-cones there.
So, they're going to have to launch
a pretty strong anti-tourist campaign,
or we'll do it for them.
MALE ANNOUNCER: Antarctica, the majestic seventh continent.
An unspoiled land of incredible ice formations
that you simply have to see.
And seeing as how you're looking at them right now,
you've technically seen them.
So, don't come here.
Seriously, you want to feel the bracing cold on your skin?
Stick your dick in a freezer.
You want to see a seal up close?
Here. Here's a seal up close.
Now here's a seal in HD. Now it's in 3-D.
It's like you're actually here, which, hopefully, you're not.
Our point is you don't need to come here.
Want to impress your friends by going someplace exotic?
How about Belgium.
Have your friends been to Belgium? No?
Then it's exotic to them.
And if you simply have to have ice, go to Alaska and tell them
you went to Antarctica.
They won't know the difference.
Hey, guess which of these is Alaska?
You don't know, do you? It's both of them.
We don't care where in the world you go,
just so long as it's in this general area and not here.
[Cheering and applause]
Gotta go. You have to visit.
Let's move on.
Look, let's deal with the elephant in the room tonight.
I'm sorry that "Game of Thrones" is not on anymore.
But I may be able to help you with your withdrawal,
because recently there was some real-life royal news.
The king of Spain, Juan Carlos, has announced he's abdicating
after nearly 40 years in power.
See? Who's missing "Game of Thrones" now, huh?
Who needs decapitations or poisonings
when you've got a 76-year-old man peacefully resigning?
I will say, I am totally against abdications.
No tour guide should ever be able to say,
"Here is where our ex-king lives,"
and point to a one-bedroom apartment.
There is a place where ex-kings are supposed to go
and it's called the ground.
The problem was that public opinion had turned against
King Juan Carlos for his lavish lifestyle
in the midst of Spain's recession.
Which meant that his son's coronation this week
was a bit underwhelming.
MALE ANNOUNCER: As coronations go, this one was a deliberate
bargain basement job.
FEMALE ANNOUNCER: King Felipe VI received the red sash
of the captain general of the armed forces
from his father Juan Carlos.
That's it?
You didn't even get a crown?
Just a red fucking sash that your daddy put on you?
What are you, the king of Spain,
or a kid who just got a new belt in karate class?
And you call this a royal parade?
You're just taking an Uber around the city.
Let me show you something. This is a parade.
This is what happened in Los Angeles this week
to celebrate their hockey team winning the Stanley Cup.
That's right. The L.A. Kings
had a bigger parade than the actual Spanish king.
And L.A. doesn't give a shit about hockey.
But all this raises a much bigger question--
why does any country still have royalty at all?
There are currently 26 royal families
reigning in 43 countries.
That's 43 countries where asking,
"Who died and made you king?"
is an entirely legitimate question.
Don't get me wrong. At one point,
monarchies did serve a genuine historical purpose.
Kings and queens were all-powerful.
They either led their countries into battle on horses
or kept the peace by being strategically married off
to other royal families.
"Let us commemorate this treaty by having our children fuck."
"Can we still invade Italy?"
"I'll just check the family tree.
"No, I'm afraid not.
Our cousins are banging their cousins."
And if you want modern proof of this,
just look at who was in the room
at the recent British royal wedding.
FEMALE ANNOUNCER: After centuries of continental coupling,
many of Europe's royals are related by blood
to the British crown.
There's a lot of cousins, and they probably don't even know
who's related to who.
The gene pool, the gene pool of European royalty is so small,
the only difference between that and an Alabama wedding
are the amount of paper plates at the reception
and how drunk the violin player is going to be.
Now, to be fair, some of the current 26 monarchies
still have that old-school flavor.
And if you want some modern-day "Game of Thrones" shit,
you have got to head to the Middle East,
where some royal families have virtually unchecked power,
and they act like it.
A few years back, a member of
the United Arab Emirates royal family
was charged with a horrifying crime.
On the videotape that was released
by a business associate of Sheikh Issa,
you can see Sheikh Issa and others torturing this man.
He's been acquitted despite 5 other people
who are also charged over this being found guilty.
Yeah, because unfortunately for them,
the judge found them guilty not just of that
but the much larger crime of not being
a member of the royal family there.
And sure, that's just one rogue family member.
But that's the key drawback of inherited power--
having a monarchy means the fate of your country
is basically a genetic lottery.
Because every family has the one fuckup
they talk about behind their backs.
And if you're thinking, "My family doesn't,"
then I'm afraid it's you.
I'm sorry about that.
But sooner or later, every country
loses a round of royal roulette.
Now, remember the military coup in Thailand
at the start of the show?
That's happening, at least in part, because Thailand
loves their current king.
The problem is, he's near the end of his life,
and his son is an idiot.
MALE ANNOUNCER: He is enormously unpopular within the country.
The crown prince is considered a bit of a buffoon.
That's right: Thailand actually has a buffoonish crown prince.
And I understand why the Thai people are upset,
because they have a law where you can get 15 years in jail
for insulting the monarchy.
And yet they have a prince who featured in--and this is true--
a video of a birthday party he threw for his dog,
a miniature poodle called Foo Foo,
in which his topless wife served the dog birthday cake.
And you're telling me they're
not supposed to make fun of that?
That's entrapment.
That's not fair.
You ask too much.
And I'll be honest. I'll be honest.
Seeing stories like that is enough to make me glad
that the queen of England is mostly decorative now.
In fact, the most relevant thing she's done recently
was announce that this week, she's going to visit
the "Game of Thrones" set.
The queen of England is heading to Westeros.
The British monarch will visit the Belfast set next week
during her tour of Northern Ireland.
We're all waiting for a shot of her sitting in the iron throne.
Oh, you don't need to wait.
Here. There she is. There.
There she is right now,
embodying the harsh irony that is her existence.
Because at that moment next week,
she will be a queen with fake power, visiting a fake kingdom,
which arguably has more impact on the lives of her countrymen
than she does.
And now this.
I'm not a doctor. I'm not a psychologist.
I'm not a psychiatrist.
I'm not a psychologist.
I'm not a security professional.
I'm not a drape measurer.
I'm not a witch.
I'm not a scientist.
I'm not a scientist but I'm an optometrist.
I am not a politician by trade.
I'm not a control freak.
I'm not a Ron Paul Republican.
I'm not a dingo.
Well, I'm not a repairman.
I'm not a doom and gloom person.
I am not an empty dress, I am not a rubber stamp,
and I am not a cheerleader!
[Cheering and applause]
Now, finally, finally tonight,
I would like to talk about doctors.
They're among our most trusted professionals.
Nearly 70% of us rate them highly on ethical standards.
Our lives and occasionally our balls are in their hands.
Which is why it was especially troubling last week to see this.
With his syndicated TV show, magazine, and web site,
Dr. Oz has become one of America's most trusted docs.
But on Capitol Hill Tuesday, he was on the hot seat.
Excuse me, but any seat Dr. Oz is sitting on is the hot seat.
Whoo.
Whoo. Whoo.
So, what did the doctor do?
FEMALE ANNOUNCER: They criticized the talk show host
for describing untested weight loss supplements
as magical or miraculous.
I want you to write it down-- garcinia cambogia.
Because it may be the simple solution you've been looking for
to bust your body fat for good.
Now, I've got the number-one miracle in a bottle
to burn your fat.
Lightning in a bottle.
It's a miracle flower to fight fat.
Miracle flowers?
Are you a doctor or an Old West traveling salesman?
"Have I got something miraculous for you, ladies and gentlemen!
"A monkey's paw mixed with 5 petals of a rose
"and a thimble full of otter semen!
"Guaranteed to cure your lumbago.
Step right up. Step right up here."
The Senate hearing was about
the marketing of dietary supplements.
And unfortunately, no one is
more effective at that than Dr. Oz.
FEMALE ANNOUNCER: Oz's advice is so influential
that one mention of a product can cause sales to skyrocket.
The phenomenon even has its own name--the Dr. Oz effect.
After Dr. Oz touted a substance called
green coffee bean extract,
one company in Florida sold half a million bottles.
Well, what's so wrong with that?
Name me one case where a man named Oz claimed mystical powers
and led people horribly astray.
Name me one case. You can't do it.
The only problem with the "Dr. Oz effect"
is that magic pills don't technically exist,
and Dr. Oz knows that.
MAN: Do you believe that there's a miracle pill out there?
There's not a pill that's going to help you long term,
lose weight, live the best life without diet and exercise.
MAN: Do you believe there's a magic
weight-loss cure out there?
The word--if you're selling something
because it's magical, no.
Well, what?
That would be ridiculous.
No one is claiming there's a magic pill out there.
That would be stupid.
This little bean has scientists saying
they've found the magic weight-loss cure
for every body type.
See? He never said there was a magic pill.
He said there was a magic bean!
That's clearly entirely different, because magic beans
are a very real thing that you trade your cow for
so you can steal a golden harp from a giant!
That's science.
And by the way, a recent study found
the main ingredient in those magic beans
not only fails to help lab mice,
it gave them the early symptoms of diabetes.
Though if you're a lab mouse with diabetes, you got off easy.
Good luck getting any sympathy in the lab mouse support group.
"Oh, I'm sorry you can't have any candy.
"I've got an ear growing out of my fucking back!
Jeff's got herpes. Sorry, Jeff."
Here's the issue-- Dr. Oz is a doctor.
And one with degrees from two Ivy League schools.
He's also dangerously likable.
Watch how "Morning Joe" reacted
after seeing bits of his congressional testimony.
I only bought them once. It didn't work.
WOMAN: Did you buy them because you saw them on "Dr. Oz"?
I like Dr. Oz, OK? So--
I like him a lot.
And he's come here with really good advice.
He has great advice.
And listen, if he's got magic coffee beans,
I want some of that. WOMAN: Me, too. [Laughs]
You just showed a report that implied they didn't work!
You basically just did an "Emperor's New Clothes" piece
and then ended it by saying, "By the way, the emperor's
"tailor was incredible.
That guy can stitch."
And to give Dr. Oz the benefit of overwhelming medical doubt,
he seems to be standing by some of his claims.
I actually do personally believe in the items
that I talk about on the show.
I passionately study them.
I recognize that oftentimes they don't have the scientific muster
to present as fact.
But that's the whole point.
You're presenting it as a doctor.
If you want to keep spouting this bullshit, that's fine,
but don't call your show "Dr. Oz."
Call it "Check This Shit Out with Some Guy Named Mehmet."
[Cheering and applause]
The problem is--it's a good title, to be fair.
The problem is this Senate hearing
is going to achieve nothing, for a very chilling reason.
Beyond embarrassing Dr. Oz,
there's very little that Congress can do in this arena.
It is the Federal Trade Commission's job
to go after online scams and even they, Gayle,
can only scratch the surface.
She's right. Dr. Oz
is just a symptom of the problem.
The disease is the fact that dietary supplements in the U.S.
are shockingly unregulated.
There are two agencies who theoretically oversee things,
the FTC and the FDA.
The FTC is supposed to regulate
the marketing of supplements.
But by their own admission, they give
great deference to the FDA
on whether a company's health claim can be supported.
The problem with that is the FDA has little authority
to investigate the contents of supplements until
people are already getting sick from them.
That sounds crazy, and in the past,
they actually tried to change this.
In the late 1980s, 38 people died
from L-tryptophan supplements, and in response, the FDA
tried to expand its authority.
How did that go?
FEMALE ANNOUNCER: In 1993, the industry struck back.
Consumers were urged to write to their congressman
or told they may have to kiss their Vitamin C goodbye.
So, did people write to their congressman?
More people wrote to Congress about the supplement bill
than wrote about the Vietnam War.
What?
How good must the pro-vitamin protest songs have been?
* Ginseng!
* Huh!
* What is it good for?
* Sexual dysfunction and Type 2 diabetes *
* Say it again, y'all!
* Say it again
Actually, there were actually no protest songs,
but there were PSAs put out by the supplement industry
featuring not just jackbooted thugs
coming to take your vitamins,
but a surprise celebrity cameo.
MAN: Freeze!
Hey, guys, guys,
it's only vitamins.
Oh, 1993 was a different time.
When you could plausibly say, "Hey, be quiet, everybody.
Let's all listen to what Mel Gibson has to say."
[Applause]
And the supplement industry didn't just pay for ads.
They gave money to lawmakers
like Republican Senator Orrin Hatch
and Democratic Senator Tom Harkin.
This was them back then.
They actually became the two top recipients
of funds from the industry,
and, in a crazy coincidence,
they co-sponsored a bill to deregulate it.
I send to the desk a substitute amendment
on behalf of Senators Hatch and Harkin.
Today we honor the wishes of 100 million people,
consumers of dietary supplements.
People who simply want the ability
to lead healthy lifestyles
without the constant intervention
of one tiny agency which is possessed by
a regulatory zeal equaling none.
"Regulatory zeal"?
He just criticized a regulatory agency
for being too into regulating things.
That's like accusing your podiatrist
of having a foot fetish.
"Dude, dude, dude, you're obsessed with feet.
Just tone it down a bit."
Now, the supplement industry will claim that it is
"one of the more highly regulated industries."
See how true you think that is.
Because if you're a supplement company today,
you do not need approval from the FDA
before a product is marketed,
you can make health claims
without prior approval from the government,
and you don't have to prove the safety or effectiveness
of your product before putting it up for sale.
The industry is essentially supposed to police itself.
That's like one of those porn sites
that asks you to enter your own age.
Which basically just ends up teaching children
how to subtract 18 from the current year.
It doesn't work.
Which may explain why, since 1994, the supplement industry
has gone from making $4 billion to $32 billion a year.
With almost no side effects.
FEMALE ANNOUNCER: People who consume tainted dietary supplements
have suffered from negative side effects like severe bleeding,
strokes, liver damage, or even death.
MALE ANNOUNCER: Health officials say the common item
linked to several recent cases of acute liver failure in Hawaii
is OxyElite Pro.
FEMALE ANNOUNCER: Orioles pitcher Steve Bechler,
who died after taking Ephedra
during last spring training.
Ephedra stayed on the market an extra two years
after many experts asked for a ban.
Meantime, the number of deaths rose to 155,
with 16,000 adverse events.
Wow, that's enough to make you wish for an agency
with a certain amount of, oh, what's the phrase?
Regulatory zeal.
And yet lawmakers still resist regulation.
Because when, two years ago, a bill was proposed suggesting
supplements should carry warning labels about
potentially dangerous side effects,
you'll never guess who popped up again.
The FDA already has a tremendous amount of
regulatory oversight and enforcement tools
when it comes to dietary supplements.
Every supplement has a label,
has the ingredients and the potency, by law,
on every single item that is sold as a supplement.
That's right--Hatch and Harkin,
who in 2012 had retained their title
of the top two recipients of campaign funds
from the supplement industry.
See? Two decades later,
those campaign contributions, still working.
Who says nutritional supplements don't have long-lasting effects?
And by the way, on the point that Senator Harkin made,
about how every supplement has a label saying what's inside it.
Well, funny story. When a group of researchers
recently DNA tested supplements
from a dozen North American companies,
they found that 1/3 contained no trace whatsoever
of the plant advertised on the bottle.
If one in 3 milk bottles didn't contain milk,
you might think twice about pouring the white mystery liquid
all over your cereal.
But none of this is likely to change,
because companies have access to the one genuinely truly
effective wonder drug.
It's called lobbying.
And here's how the science works.
FDA regulation can really stop up your profits,
jamming up your whole money-making system,
which can lead to painful effects
on the company's bottom line,
but with lobbying's somehow-legal process,
all those pesky regulations just melt away into nothingness,
giving you that comfortable corporate feeling
of shitting money almost uncontrollably.
Ask your lawyers if lobbying is right for you.
[Applause]
But none of this--none of this answers the key
Dr. Oz question.
Now, he says he wasn't paid to mention any particular products.
So, why say those things on TV at all?
In an intent to engage viewers, I use flowery language.
I used language that was very passionate.
That makes sense because we're all looking for
flowery language from our physicians.
"Like the sunlight shines upon the hidden grassy meadow,
so does Chlamydia cast a warm glow upon your private parts."
And when he says engaging viewers, that is the problem.
Perhaps his fatal flaw is that he's done
870 daily hour-long shows about health and medicine,
which is impossible.
Sooner or later, you're going to get tired of doing shows about
what your poop should look like with Cameron Diaz.
OZ: Does this ever happen to you?
Luckily, no.
I'm not a girl that gets constipated.
Good for you.
Lucky you, Diaz. Lucky you.
And instead of that, you're going to get tempted
to overstretch and do a show with a title like
"Can an aspirin a day keep cancer away?"
to which the answer is clearly, "No.
Not entirely."
Because I feel like if it did,
we wouldn't be hearing about it for the first time at 4:00 p.m.
on a Wednesday afternoon.
"Hey, did you hear that they cured cancer?"
"No, I was watching Wendy Williams."
And look, the frustrating thing is,
it's easy to fill a show with shameless pandering
without dangerously misleading medical information.
Here. I'll show you.
I'll show you pandering that you wouldn't believe.
Hey, everyone-- wouldn't it be great
if we had a Skype interview
with George R.R. Martin, the writer of "Game of Thrones"?
[Cheering and applause]
OK. Let's do it.
Hey, George, George, how's the writing going?
I just killed 3 of your favorite characters.
What? It's not Arya?
It's not Arya, is it?
George, it's not Arya.
Please tell me it's not Arya.
Give me the truth! Damn you, Martin!
OK, well, people seemed to like that
and no one got hurt, so, let's keep pandering.
Everyone likes puppies, don't they?
Here's a puppy right now!
Here's a puppy.
Hello, puppy.
And look. Look.
Neither I nor the puppy are making unsubstantiated claims
about potentially harmful dietary supplements!
You're not doing that, are you, puppy?
Look. Because you don't need to, do you, precious?
You don't need to. And look, look,
here's something else that people like--
women in trashy dresses throwing wine in each others' faces!
[Women shouting]
These are-- they love it.
Stop! Calm down, ladies, calm down.
It's all fabricated.
Let's keep pandering.
Who wants a t-shirt?
[Cheering and applause]
Let's pander it up. Who wants a t-shirt?
Who wants--
People love t-shirts, they love t-shirts
almost as much as they love celebrities dancing!
And guess what--here's Steve Buscemi, tap dancing!
[Cheering and applause]
Perfect.
Hey, Steve.
Hey.
Hey, Steve... Steve...
do you even know how to tap dance?
Not really.
Hey, Steve,
any thoughts, Steve,
on the questionable benefits
of dietary supplements?
Oh, John, this isn't really the time or place
for that discussion.
Exactly! That's the point!
See, Dr. Oz? We've done it!
We engaged viewers without recommending
any unregulated products
that could potentially induce diabetes!
And to celebrate this pander-fest,
please welcome the Black and Gold
Marching Elite!
* Here they come.
See? It's the music.
That's our show tonight.
Our thanks to tap- dancing Steve Buscemi
and to George R.R. Martin
and the Black and Gold Marching Elite!
Have a great week! Good night!
*